IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
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“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??