The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
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With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*frowns in Scottish*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?