fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
The game has officially changed 😎
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.