Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE