ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
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A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I think this should do it.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”