Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
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a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.