going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
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Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
a lot to unpack here
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?