My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
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I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
#polloftheday
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now