INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Generation gap…
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.