I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.