CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
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Had a spot of bother earlier.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.