Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
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It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
*aggressively waits in line*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.