I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day