I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”