“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Nothing.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
A small tragedy.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.