When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.