Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us