If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
#JohnTravolta
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.