My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
What the dentist sees
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.