You Might Also Like
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.