As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Squirrels before girls.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.