Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.