I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do