[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
You Might Also Like
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?