Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I’m good, thanks.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?