Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
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I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school