I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
You Might Also Like
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Did I do this right
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.