Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
“Sheer Arrogance”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
We need to put an American base on the sun
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
that wasn’t the question