My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
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This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
These aliens are taking forever.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Oh we’ve met.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo