My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
blocked.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.