I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works