wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
hmmm
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.