When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
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A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.