*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
You Might Also Like
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths