My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
#SaturdayBears
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?