She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK