“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
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Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?