My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Finished stitching this today 😇
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.