Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
You Might Also Like
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life