Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
emergency phone
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on