I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
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BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Liquor Store Parking
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped