The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.