Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
do what now??
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.