Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
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This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*