children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The devil.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”