the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.