whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
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babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Made something I’m not proud of
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework