I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
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Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
🤣🤣💀