Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Don’t make me out nice you.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.