[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Social distancing in Australia:
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.